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To test or not to test?

To test or not to test?

What a ridiculous question.

Of COURSE I will be peeing on a stick. Is it way too early? Sure. Have I done it anyway? Yup. And will I continue to do so. You betcha. Why? Because, if there is even the slimmest chance that I am going to see a faint pink line, then I am doing it.

I used the same method after my last round of IVF and began testing 12 DPO. A little fertility shorthand, DPO = Days Past Ovulation. My retrieval is the starting point, following day is 1DPO, etc. Last time,14DPO, the day I was scheduled for my blood test, I saw the faintest second line. I had to take a picture of it and enhance the contrast and saturation just to be sure. But it was there.

You can see in the picture below how the line grew stronger as the days passed. And yes, I did continue to pee on those sticks every day, even after I got my "BFP.” Fertility lingo: BFP = Big Fat Positive. Why continue to pee on those horridly expensive sticks? Because it helped give me confidence. It brought me joy and reassurance to see that line growing stronger every day.

This round, I gave in and began testing even earlier, at 9 DPO. So far there has been no hint of a line. But it's still early. I'm trying to stay positive. I have good days and bad days. Basically, I'm going insane.

This whole process is a lot like walking on a tightrope. I have a whole group of people below me. They are cheering me on. I've told everyone I'm going to cross it and I have no idea if I actually will. I'm terrified of falling, even though I know all those people below will be there to catch me. I need to cross it.

Tuesday, I had an elevated heart rate. Could be stress related, but that was one of the first pregnancy symptoms I noticed with Lloyd. Your body is pumping extra blood and for me it's a noticeable shift. I also had a little cramping, another good sign if I can remember. And.... wait for it.... a tingly vagina. Again, another weird symptom that I recall from my last pregnancy.

Then Wednesday, I felt none of it, which in turn made me feel a lot less certain. So, Tuesday I was sure I was pregnant. Wednesday I was sure I was not. It's Friday night now and the only thing I'm actually sure of is that this wait is killing me. And while it's nice to have the distraction of my son this time around, I'm finding it harder to honor the bedrest protocols.

I stayed pretty much in bed all day Monday after the transfer, with the exception of getting up almost every hour to pee. Tuesday, the boredom had set in. I missed my son's laugh and my husband, who always knows how to make me laugh. I wandered out in to the living room a bit. Hung with the family. Wednesday it was back to life as usual, sans lifting my toddler, which really makes diaper changes, loading him in the car seat, even getting him in a shopping cart impossible. Thankfully, my husband is home and has been doing all the heavy lifting.

Meanwhile, I stay stationary, eating pineapple cores, Brazilian nuts and whatever else the crazy fertility know-it-alls on Google suggest, and every morning I pee on a stick. Do I think it helps? Probably not. But so much of this is process is out of my control.

It's out of my hands and up to my womb. It helps to have something to keep me busy. To give me hope. To make me feel like I have some control over the situation. Best I can do is look straight ahead, try to keep my balance, and hope to God I don't fall.

#Pregnancy #2ww #IVF

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