It's been an emotional week. There are ups and downs. I've been keeping busy. Enjoying the ability to lift my son and being active with him again has been a bright spot. This weekend we hit up the farmer's market, birthday parties, the beach, the movies. Lloyd and I even recorded a duet of his all time favorite song, "Let It Go" from Frozen... A message I'm trying desperately to embrace. And I'm enjoying every second with my family. Until I find myself crying in a bathroom.
Today, it was the phone call that triggered the ugly crying. I didn't recognize the number and so I sent it to voicemail. I was surprised to hear the familiar voice when I listened to the message. It was Dr. Boostenfar, my fertility doctor. He is an incredible doctor. He has just the right mix of confidence and humor. He makes you feel safe and relaxed.
Unlike my previous week's nightmare with the nursing staff - Dr B. has never let me down. And this voicemail was no exception.
It's important to note that the last time we went through this process, we succeeded. I was pregnant. So I don't know the protocol when it doesn't work. I never went through this part. And to be honest, I really, really thought it would work. In my brain I knew there was a chance it could fail. But in my heart I thought this was definitely going to happen.
I thought if we managed to get at least one healthy blastocyst, then I would get pregnant. I think probably anyone who spends over $29K in one month to do this must have a strong belief that it will work. It's a gamble, sure. But you believe it's going to happen for you. I'm still shocked that I am not pregnant - in disbelief, really.
And that's exactly how Dr Boostenfar sounded on the voicemail. He was apparently out of town all of last week and just got in and learned the news of my results. It was such a caring gesture - to reach out to us. To leave me such a kind message, despite the fact that we will be meeting on Thursday anyway. Hearing his voice, this man who is always confident and funny, this time he sounded sad and surprised. It was equal parts gratifying and depressing. It was comforting to know I didn't delude myself. It felt like confirmation that our odds of success were good and that indeed, we all thought I would get pregnant. That's also the depressing part. Why am I not pregnant? What did I do wrong?
I've seen a lot of friendly faces this week. The first 48 hours after finding out the news, I sent everyone to voicemail. Didn't answer texts or emails. I just wasn't ready. I had dinner dropped on my doorstep, wine and chocolate delivered, flowers appeared out of nowhere. I had such support. All unprompted. And each gesture brought me to tears. The kindness was overwhelming. This has all been overwhelming.
Now that I'm back out in the world, I've had people ask me how I'm doing. They've read my story and they are invested and truly care. The best I can muster is "I'm fine."
I'm not fine. If I was, this would probably be easier to talk about.
Thursday, we will meet with Dr B. to "discuss our options moving forward."
With our savings entirely wiped out after last month's attempt, we have very few options left, as far as I can see. We can't afford another round. If we could, I would most certainly do it. I would do it 10 more times if there was even a fraction of a chance that we would succeed and we had the funds. Our insurance covers $0 towards infertility treatments. To get that perk you need to be with a large group plan like Disney or Chase Bank which, I've been told, covers 3 rounds of IVF.
I was at Starbucks yesterday and overheard a man interviewing for a position. I actually stood in line contemplating as to whether or not I should ask for an application. They are a huge employer. They MUST offer IVF coverage. Instead, when it was my turn at the counter I asked for an iced green tea.
Why? Because even though I would have loved an iced coffee, I'm trying to keep off too much caffeine... just in case.
I'm not sure what the future holds. But I know for now, I'm just not quite ready to Let It Go.