Go with the flow

As expected, I got my period on Tuesday and as requested, I called the office for further instruction. I left a message with the front desk and awaited word as to when we may schedule a time to make a baby this month.

I think I can speak for all women out there who have ever struggled with fertility when I say that periods suck. And it's not because of the discomfort and inconvenience (I'll save you the bloody details). It's because every month, in the very back of my head, you think "what if this is the month?" You carry the slightest hope that somehow your period will not come and magically you will be pregnant.

Every. Month.

This past month, Dan and I actually discussed abstaining from hanky panky while I was ovulating for fear that I could end up pregnant and, like the previous times, suffer a loss which could result in another D&C and prevent us from participating in this trial.

It’s weird. It's weird that we have to talk about these things. It's weird that in the middle of a fun and romantic moment, one of us breaks away to calculate the risks of having sex because we are scheduled to try and get pregnant. Suddenly one of us is doing the math on how long my recovery time was from my last miscarriage. The other is listing the cut-off date for the clinical trial.

Honestly, it kind of kills the mood.

After some back and forth, we decided worrying about getting pregnant before paying someone else to get us pregnant is ridiculous. I almost never get pregnant on my own. In the 6+ years of trying, of charting, of everything, we've managed to do it naturally twice. That's 2 times out of 72 tries. So what were we worried about? We laughed it off and decided to throw caution to the wind.

And you know what? Despite logic, our history, and science, I still spent the last two weeks wondering if this was my moment. Anticipating a miracle. For those two weeks, I had a glimmer of hope. Maybe the universe has a sense of humor? Maybe I'm just an eternal optimist? I thought maybe, just maybe.

Then Aunt Flow showed up, being the punctual and unwavering visitor that she is. She brought with her the jarring truth that our last ditch effort to do this on our own had failed. The reminder that soon I'd be surrounded by needles and cold, lubed-up probes.

I heard back from my nurse. I start birth control today and they will email me my schedule this week. Looks like IVF with happen sometime within the next month or so. It's going to be a long, hard road, but I believe we can do it. I am an optimist after all.

And if next month, Aunt Flow shows up- I'm gonna slap that bitch.

For those of you thinking "Why God, WHY put yourself through this???" This is why. This joy. This love. This tiny person. He is living proof that it is worth it and we can do this.

#IVF #fertility #infertility #period