They say ignorance is bliss. And they are right.
This round of IVF is our third, but it marks the first time not doing PGS (genetic screening) on the embryos. So, whereas our first time we had eight embryos make it to day six, we knew, thanks to the testing, that only two were viable. We put both in and had no reserves. Our second round was even more brutal. We had 6 blastocysts on day six and only one tested normal. No second string if it failed, which it did.
Due to the clinical trial, we were prevented from testing this round of embryos. So we arrived yesterday and we were elated to find that all of our eight little fertilized embies made it to day five. Of the eight embryos, half looked like keepers. They grade them based on their looks, how the cells are dividing, etc. It's basically the bathing suit portion of the viability contest.
Four of our eight looked good. Not Heather Locklear-running-down-the-beach-in-slow-motion good, but good enough to get B's and B+'s. Previously, we have always had an A+ boy in the mix. The Tom Selleck of the group.
I can hear you judging me, but stop it. We all know that Tom is an A+. Think back to Magnum PI. Those shorts, that car, and who can forget the mustache?
So, we always had that one perfect, Tom Selleck embryo. Not this time. This time we had a B+. The Higgins to my Magnum. Not the star, but still adds a lot to the ensemble. And who knows, maybe this kid could have a fun British accent.
We decided a B+ embryo could be just as good and joked with our doctor, whom we adore, that perhaps this blastocyst was more of an artist type and would end up going to a state school. Grades aren't everything.
Dr. B told us which lucky winner was chosen. #3. Top middle in the picture below. A solid B+ student with hopefully great potential.
Additionally, we were excited to hear three others looked promising. This means for the first time in our fertility history, we would have leftovers! If for any reason this time doesn't take, we have a backup plan. They are letting them mature and extra day. But tentatively, it looks as though we will have three babies on ice.
Gives a whole new meaning to “Ice, ice, baby!” doesn’t it?
This is where ignorance is bliss. It's quite possible none of those are viable. It's possible the one we put in this round isn't viable. We just don't know. Without the hard science, we are left with nothing but delusions of grandeur and my active imagination. An actor's area of expertise.
In general, I hate not knowing. I like to know everything, all the time, a trait my husband loves.
But for the first time, I'm okay not knowing. Why? Because it allows me to have hope. It takes pressure off this round, knowing we could pop in a few more later down the line if this round doesn't turn out the way we want it to.
I'm feeling more relaxed than last round. More confident that somehow, one of these four will work for us. For the first time ever, we are not putting all my eggs in one basket. And I also love that if my child misbehaves I can threaten him with "don't make me defrost your sister. I know she wouldn't do this to me."
Now the waiting begins. Bed rest is boring, but worth it. I'm trying to embrace the quiet and remember if this round does work, I may never have this kind of quiet again. I'm going to let my imagination run wild with the possibilities of this round being a success. Shut out the worry and 'what ifs', and relish the sheer bliss that is not knowing what the future holds.