I've been thinking a lot about what I would write today. We are again at the tipping point. The moment we've all been waiting for.
“Pregnant” or “not pregnant”?
I peed on a stick Sunday morning, 10DPO (days past ovulation). Decidedly too early for most to receive a positive result, but I couldn't help myself. When one stark line showed up, I felt my heart sink. I didn't cry. I didn't get emotional. I quickly locked up my heart and prepared myself for the "no.”
We continued the nightly injections of Progesterone, which are large and painful, despite my growing doubt. I continued to dodge my toddler every time he asked to be picked up. I even managed to order a water when what I really wanted was a beer at lunch today.
Why? Because I am an optimist.
When I got the call at 2:51p.m. from HRC, I answered on the first ring. I love my nurse, Shanise. I found myself worried that she would be upset having to deliver the bad news I had prepared myself for. I tried awkwardly to lighten the mood, while still trying to get the answer.
For the second time this cycle, I cried. That awkward, trying not to cry so you stop breathing which makes it so much worse kind of cry.
To be honest, there is nothing anyone can say at this moment to make it better. Putting your heart out there, and your body through this is enough to drive any person mad. Or, apparently make the most emotional person (me), melancholy.
And sharing this journey isn't always easy. To have so many people rooting for you, following along and pitching in. We have the most awesome village. It feels like a loss for all of us, like I've somehow let everyone down. My doctor, who gave me this extra shot, my son who keeps asking for a baby, my husband who had to deal with the darkest parts of me. Our friends and family who want this so badly for us. Ultimately, we can't control the outcome. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better.
After delivering the "negative" news, she said "Dr. Boostenfar wants you to call us on the first day of your next period." I was still hyperventilating, pretending not to cry. I realized this was a weird request, but said "Oh, okay."
She continued, "Because Dr. B wants to do a frozen transfer next month with your remaining eggs, for free. This round is on us."
So I was wrong. There IS something someone can say to make it better. And Shanise had said it.
Dr. Boostenfar is far and away the most brilliant fertility doctor I have met. And if you recall, I made the rounds before seeing him, so I've shown a lot of doctors my lady bits.
Dr. B goes above and beyond and I have full faith that if anybody is gonna knock me up, it's him. And the fact that he is this invested in us speaks volumes.
So, here we are again. Back at the beginning. About to embark on a new "Frozen" adventure.
Everything "Frozen" is a huge it in our house. Let's hope this transfer is the same.
Love is an open door. And that door leads to a freezer where my 5 frozen babies are chilling out. Let's do this.